Inter-Varsity Press

Extracts

(Page 9)

Oh no! not another book on relationships!

Everywhere we turn, people offer advice and guidance: how to find the perfect partner, how to be a better lover, what to do to keep love alive in a long-term relationship …

We are all searching for love. But the intimacy we crave – knowing and being known, security, and real friendship – often proves elusive. We want to trust people, but are afraid of being hurt. We want to be open with people, but find it hard to be vulnerable. We want to be committed to people, but struggle to sustain our commitment. People let us down. We hurt those we care for most deeply. The very best experiences are difficult to reproduce. People move on, move out, grow old and die.

The thirst for intimacy is at the very centre of our being, but is not easily quenched. Yet sometimes we glimpse what could be possible. Our experience of friendship and love gives us a taste of what we could be and would like to be. When we experience the care of other people and begin to develop closeness and intimacy with them, we experience immense privileges and blessings.

(Page 10)

What we are aiming for in this book is

– to go beyond trite and superficial advice
– to transcend romantic ideals and notions
– to have our relationships turned upside down and inside out
– to discover and learn together and to be the best that we can be.

(Pages 29 to 34)

3. myths about sex

The great enemy of the truth is very often not the lie: deliberate, contrived and dishonest; but the myth: persistent, persuasive and unrealistic.
John F. Kennedy

Sex is the most talked about and most thought about subject in contemporary western society. Alt.sex is currently Usenet’s busiest newsgroup. It is read by 450,000 people worldwide, even though only about 70% of the Usenet sites carry the group. By the age of eighteen the average person will have watched nine thousand actual or suggested acts of sexual intercourse on television. I have no idea how they work these things out, but I can easily believe it. Society’s views on what is appropriate continue to shift. When I was a teenager, if there was a topless scene on television, the boys at school would be talking about it the next day. If you had not seen the programme in question you were acutely disappointed because you knew that another opportunity was not likely to arise for some time.

Now, there are so many more sexually explicit scenes. Images that fuelled the adolescent fantasies of my generation now feature in adverts, as well as movies, almost on a daily basis. Any newsagent’s shop presents us with an array of headlines promising to help you ‘find a partner’, ‘enjoy bigger and better orgasms’, ‘experience the ultimate position’. People are desperate for advice on how to find and keep meaningful relationships.

A new group of experts has arisen to try to cope with this need. Agony aunts and uncles give popular advice in newspapers and magazines. ‘Incredibly, 24% of girls would consult a magazine problem page for advice on sexual matters. That beats asking Dad, a sister/brother, boyfriend, teacher or family planning clinic’ Sunday Mirror/Family Planning Association. Television chat shows and discussion programmes explore issues of commitment, fulfilment and satisfaction.

Some American colleges employ love-coaches to give advice and help on all aspects of relationships.

The legacy of all this is that everyone is supposed to know everything about sex. We have a greater access to information than ever before. Sexual activity is an expected part of social interaction, before and outside long-term relationships.

I am glad that some of the taboos of a previous generation have been dispensed with. Many were not healthy and led to hypocrisy or oppressive legalism. List of rules without understanding became increasingly meaningless. But it is tragic that this new freedom of information and behaviour has produced such a slanted, one-sided view which has in fact given little help and promoted little choice.

The liberal society can be the least tolerant of all – you are free as long as you exercise your freedom in the way expected of you. It may well be better to have technical information about sex than the ignorance of previous generations. Educators, columnists and parents do their best to cover the basics of technique, health and safety, but people’s own experience inevitably shapes their opinions about sex. This is often unacknowledged, and the advice of ‘experts’ may simply validate personal choices made in the past. We often lack humility in addressing the big questions that are harder to understand. We do not know everything. We are incredibly complex beings, and relating together as men and women is a complicated business. We may well get caught in the crossfire between opinion and experience that passes for truth in society.

There is a growing body of values and ideas on what is right and wrong or acceptable in the area of sexuality. The basis of this morality, or the assumptions upon which these value judgments are based, is often difficult to discern. People frequently try to suggest that issues of sexuality and relationships can be handled without reference to biblical morality.

The morality by which most people live is not absolute. It is not to be imposed on other people. The ideas that shape our choices, expectations and lifestyle are more often rooted in popular mythology than in truth. It is worth examining some of these persistent, persuasive and unrealistic myths which have become part of the fabric of western society.

‘sex is the most important thing in life '

Sex has become a basic human right. You have the right to express your sexuality in whatever way you see fit. If you are not having sex, there is something wrong with you.

A vicar interviewed on a TV chat show said, ‘If I interviewed some-one who was twenty-five and still a virgin, I would think that there was something seriously wrong with them and would relate to them and counsel them on that basis.’

Sex is perceived as the key to intimacy. You do not really know somebody until you have been to bed with him or her. Yet many early encounters often take place in far from ideal circumstances, outside a context of ongoing love and commitment. One university safe-sex leaflet concluded: ‘Enough of this moralizing. Sleep with whoever you want, whenever you want, but do it carefully.’

The big problem with this myth is the lack of consistency. Teenage magazines send out mixed messages. Articles on ‘How to do it’, with pictures of people having fun, are followed a few pages later with letters saying, ‘We tried it, and we’re hurting, and we need help.’

Sex is not the most important thing in life. Sexual closeness is relatively easy to achieve, but it is not the key to emotional or spiritual intimacy. Even in marriage, the idea that says ‘Get the sex bit right and rest will fall into place’ is the reverse of the truth.

If you did believe that sex was the most important thing in life, we would not handle it the way our society does. Anything of high value is protected, guarded and cherished. Those who reduce sex education to questions of health and safety take a minimalist view. People are more than bodies. We are minds and spirits and beings who feel. Sex and sexuality involve more than the interaction of bodies. They involve the interaction of people. You cannot put a condom on your heart or on your mind. Many people struggle with memories from the past. Others continue to feel linked with a previous partner long after the relationship has ended. Still more try to cope with a view of themselves and other people induced by sexual guilt.

‘experience is a good thing '

Sexual experience with a number of different partners is a positive thing. It is important to test your sexual compatibility. This is a crucial part of building commitment. You wouldn’t buy a house without checking the plumbing; ‘taste and try before you buy’.

Sex has become western society’s initiation right. The message that comes across clearly is that everybody is doing it. ‘Start using it as soon as you are 16. By 24 you will be too old’ (British Rail young person’s railcard ad, featuring American sex expert Dr Ruth). Sexual experience gives you status amongst your peers and confirms your standing as an adult. If you are not sexually active, you are missing out; you are not part of the in group. You do not understand what is going on.

I’m 14 and my boyfriend is 19. I’m useless in bed as I haven’t had much experience. He’s had lots of girlfriends and I’m worried he compares me with them. I’d really like to please him. Can you give me some clues about how I can improve? (Cosmopolitan, November 1996)

The problem with this myth is that it tends to separate the physical act of intercourse from commitment and intimacy. In some cultures it is even seen as desirable for a young man to lose his virginity with the maid or a prostitute. Those who instinctively want to link sex and love would be appalled at this. But many early experiences of sex do not take place in the context of love. There is often insecurity, anxiety and a lack of mutual consideration. We can be taught from our earliest encounters that sex is about selfishness, getting what you are looking for, and achieving what you want. First experiences of anything often set the tone for the way we think about, enjoy and use it later. Sex is no different. Many people get hurt, experiencing the ‘paper cup’ syndrome: they feel taken up, used up, screwed up and thrown away.

Innocence is a precious thing. Virginity is something to be given away, not lost or taken.

Experience with different partners, far from enhancing commitment, often leads to the tyranny of comparison. Increasingly, we can be left searching for a composite ideal instead of appreciating a real individual.

Even in this age of safe-sex education, there is a considerable cost to sexual experience. More than 8 in every 1000 girls under the age of sixteen became pregnant in England and Wales in 1994. Over 50% of these ended in abortion. There is research that suggests a link between multiple sexual partners and infertility in later life, and between early intercourse and infertility.

'you’ve got to follow your feelings'

You must be true to yourself. Personal feelings are the supreme arbiter of appropriate behaviour. The question ‘Is this right or wrong?’ is redundant. Morality has been superseded by reality. Whatever feels good is acceptable and appropriate. Others have no right to question the decision you have made, because they cannot enter into your reality. They do not understand the force with which you feel something. Morality is a question of personal opinion. ‘I did it my way – how did I know it was the right way? Because it was my way and it felt right.’

The search for happiness has become the central preoccupation of our time. Following our feelings, however, does not always deliver the result we intended. Moreover, following our feelings can leave other people scattered and damaged in our wake. We are not victims of circumstance. We have the capacity to choose, to go beyond our feelings, and to evaluate the rightness of a course of action. What is presented as being true to yourself often translates as simply pleasing yourself.

Relationships are hard work. There are times when commitment takes guts, when we are required to give far more than we receive. Some marriages get into difficulty when the first child is born. Suddenly there is someone in the household who is more selfish than you are, and the marriage crumbles as the coalition of self-serving which was its foundation comes under attack. Such situations need to be worked through rather than avoided, and that process can lead to far greater satisfaction and security.

Our feelings change over time, and are affected by our emotions, circumstances and physical condition. This fluctuation makes it difficult to assess what our true feelings are. Our feelings will also be influenced by our choices and actions. Every day we choose to do things that we may not particularly feel like doing. We also choose not to do some things that we do feel like doing. This is not a betrayal of ourselves; rather, it is necessary for our well-being, and for relationships to function properly.

If, in the quest for happiness, we simply follow our feelings, we condemn ourselves to a futile search. This is especially true in relationships where two people can have feelings at the same moment which would lead them in opposite directions.