Inter-Varsity Press

Contents

Preface

1. Introduction: The survival handbook

• Are teenagers a subject of their own?
• Where should we look for advice?
• The ‘three Rs’ of parenting teenagers

2. The faith family and the faithless world

• Our children and God’s children
• The distinctives of a Christian home
• Secular child-rearing
• The witness of a Christian family

3. Fools, mockers and simpletons

• Seven vulnerable areas for teenagers
• Vulnerability and opportunity
• What kind of fool?

4. Routes to wisdom

• Route 1: Observation and interpretation
• Route 2: Instruction based on tradition
• Route 3: Learning from mistakes
• Route 4: The fear of the Lord
• Four things a parent can do
  

5. Meet the parents

• Fear and her babies
• Guilt and her babies
• Why does it sometimes have to be so hard?

6. Key strategies Key strategy

• 1: Screen the messages Key strategy
• 2: Strengthen the relationship Key strategy
• 3: Spotlight the heart Key strategy
• 4: Shape dependence on God

7. When dream turns to nightmare

• There doesn’t have to be a reason
• The smorgasbord of emotion – you do have a choice
• Love’s austere and lonely offices
• Some temptations to handle What about the future?

8. More than survival

• Affection
• Stimulation
• Education
• Cooperation
• Sanctification
• Gratification
• Succession

Appendix: For further reading

Extract from Introduction

The ‘three Rs’ of parenting teenagers

... let us return to Kate and John and their reluctance to face the issues surrounding Daisy, their errant teenager. For them and other parents, indeed even those whose daughters maybe the Queen’s Guide and Grade 8 clarinet player flaunted in a Christmas letter, this book invites some reflection under three headings.

Review

Even where children have been raised under good guiding principles, a parent may find it helpful to review how effective those strategies have been. As you reach this last phase of child-rearing, which will probably be the last opportunity for sustained uninvited input, should some adjustments be made?

A wicked man puts up a bold front,but an upright man gives thought to his ways.
(Proverbs 21:29)

In my earlier book on parenting, Aren’t They Lovely When They’re Asleep?, I enumerated nine of the more common pitfalls in parenting. Proverbs is big on pitfalls: know what they are and avoid them, or at least avoid falling into them again and again. So, without apology, here are those nine, in brief,again – and with our adolescent in mind, let us ask ourselves some questions regarding those pitfalls.

• Allowing anything: Have I abandoned all attempts at setting boundaries? Do I fear confrontation? Who is in charge in our house?

• Bribery: Have I resorted to negotiation to get the behaviour I want? Is behaviour set firmly in a moral framework? Are my children discovering the joy of doing the right thing for its own sake? Am I more concerned about the outward behaviour than the inward heart? Are my children only motivated by material considerations?

• Child-centred: Is our house revolving around this child and her needs? Does she think she is the centre of the universe? Does she know how to be, and not be the centre of attention?

• Distant: Have I thought of parenting as merely providing? Do I avoid personal involvement with my child? Am I more concerned for her achievements than for her? When was the last time I had a real conversation with him?

• Explosive: Do I boil over with anger and shout to make my point? Is it decibel level that moderates my children’s behaviour?

• Fault-finding: Am I always nit-picking? Do I find myself continually comparing my child with other people’s children? When did I last say something personally encouraging?

• Guilt: Am I trying to compensate for my own parental mistakes by buying them stuff? Do I ever say sorry to my children when I have behaved unworthily? Do my children know how to make me feel bad and manipulate me?

• ‘Hedging’ – by which I mean attempting to control your children by narrowing the environment in which they function: Are my children learning to use independence well? Do they have freedom to fail?

• Inconsistent: Am I only concerned about my children’s behaviour when other parents are watching? Do I make threats or promises and not deliver? Do my children know that I mean what I say? Do I give a clear and consistent message about what is important?

Even a short reflection on the above may reveal where you have been letting things slip. The book of Proverbs is very real about the making of mistakes. Again and again, it is saying to us that the wise person is not the one who never makes mistakes. (Does such a person exist, in truth?) The wise person is the one who makes a mistake and is not too proud to admit it and learn from it so as not to repeat it. This is tremendously encouraging and optimistic! It is not too late to learn and to change.

When pride comes, then comes disgrace,but with humility comes wisdom.
(Proverbs 11:2)

Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge,but he who hates correction is stupid.
(Proverbs 12:1) ...