Inter-Varsity Press

CONTENTS

Foreword

Introduction

1. Relational perspectives: seeing the world differently

2. Relational foundations: is sex my choice, or everyone’s business?

3. Relational opportunities: intimacy without eros

4. Relational order: guidelines for a flourishing society

5. Relational damage: how sex outside of marriage disrupts community

6. Relational churches: Christian approaches to building community

7. Relational public policy: transforming the culture

8. Relational sex: seeing the consequences of ‘my’ sexual choices

Appendix: Sex in the Bible: twenty questions answered

FOREWORD

A teenage lad once told me that sex was just another big disappointment in his life. ‘I was really happy about losing my virginity but when I did I thought, “It ain’t all it’s cracked up to be”.’

A female friend of mine recently confessed to feeling the same. ‘I know that I am young and supposed to have it all and not care, but I can’t just keep doing sex like this. I want more but don’t know how to ask for it. I don’t think I deserve to fall in love.’

The whole point about sex is that it isn’t just sex.

Because when it is – we are left craving something more.

In her book Unhooked, Washington Post journalist Laura Session argues that more and more people are replacing relationships with casual sexual encounters. ‘. . . love . . . is being put on hold or seen as impossible [and] sex is becoming the primary currency of social interaction.’

Most of us are confused about relationships and/or sex at some point in our lives. Some of us might have been hurt by a broken promise, a one-night stand, a past relationship, an unrequited love. As a youth worker I find myself daily in conversations with teenagers about these very things. I love it when I can give young people space to make some sense of the confusion of hormones, emotions, desires, pressures and expectations and to be able to stand back and take in a bigger view. To explore some of the possibilities for godly intimacy that being made in the image of an intimate and loving Creator gives us.

That’s why this book is essential.

It isn’t preachy or judgmental, but neither does it fudge the tricky issues or pretend that there aren’t differing ideas. Guy Brandon offers us the chance to take in a bigger view of sex and to see the benefits of ‘doing sex’ a different way – God’s way. Painfully aware that he writes this in the context of a broken and hurting world, he offers a pastorally-sensitive Christian response. And in today’s climate of tension in both the church and society, that’s a remarkable thing to do.

In my work with Romance Academy I constantly see the amazing effects of teenagers discovering for themselves the benefits of ‘doing sex’ a different way. Although not usually from church backgrounds, the young people commit to following biblical principles for a period of time to see what difference it makes to them. Time after time we meet young people who feel the pain and regret of unhappy and unfulfilling relationships. Many feel they have lost the chance to make the right decisions about their own lives. Romance Academy offers them an invitation to build a new future with the support and care of a loving community.

As Romance Academy asks people to try out God’s way, Guy Brandon explores why we should. He provides a clear and balanced view of contemporary attitudes to sex and explores where it’s failing us. And, by contrast, puts flesh on the bones of why God’s intention for sex is better. In particular he scrutinizes whether the much-loved myth of ‘it’s OK if it’s between consenting adults’ is a sufficient marker for negotiating sexual morality.

So take a deep breath. This is vital stuff.

Rachel Gardner - Creative Director of the Romance Academy

1. RELATIONAL PERSPECTIVES (extract)

Seeing the world differently

There is not a sexual relationship, an improper sexual relationship or any other kind of improper relationship . . . it depends on what the meaning of the word ‘is’ is.

Bill Clinton, during the ‘Lewinsky scandal’

A climate of confusion

People today are hopelessly confused about sex. On the one hand, sex is supposed to be routine, normal, natural. More people are having more sex before, after, and outside of marriage than at probably any point in the past. Sex has become increasingly separated from marriage, with many people keeping their options open rather than pinning themselves down to one long-term, stable relationship. At the same time, sex is also supposed to be something special. Many of the same people who keep their options open regard this as part of the process of finding that perfect relationship that will last forever. The cost of the average wedding is now £20,000 (up £5,000 in five years) indicating the increasing importance that people place on their Big Day. And yet around a fifth of those who do choose marriage will have parted ways within just ten years.

We are also confused about the effects of our sexual choices on others. We often say that sex is a private matter between consenting adults.

I’ve got five kids by three women . . . but no one in this city cares what consenting adults do as long as you don’t involve children, animals or vegetables.

Ken Livingstone, former mayor of London

Ken Livingstone, when mayor of London, could claim that the fact he had five children by three women was of no relevance to his public career. And yet, in the same week, one of the country’s most senior judges warned that family breakdown had reached catastrophic levels, that the courts are overstretched to the point of collapse as a result, and that ‘almost all of society’s social ills can be traced back to the collapse in family stability’.

Which view is correct? Do ‘private’ actions have ‘public’ consequences, or not?

The confusion about the significance of sex is nothing new, especially for Christians. The Apostle Paul spent considerable time explaining to the Corinthian church why, having accepted Christ, they should be different in their sexual practices. That was nearly two thousand years ago, but many of the same questions and doubts still surface amongst Christians today. Faced with a sexually permissive culture, probably not so very different in some ways from the Corinthians’ own, many of us are lost for guidance.

Just Sex? seeks to explain the goodness of the Christian worldview of sex in terms that our culture understands and accepts, without relying solely on the theological arguments that have lost traction with many people. In doing so, it also addresses the inconsistency and inadequacy of the prevailing idea that consent alone is enough to legitimate a sexual relationship, and argues that if we have truly accepted the concern for justice inherent in the gospel, we have to question the assumption that ‘just sex’ is really just. ….